Looking for God
As a child I would often pray to God, even though my family was not religious and did not encourage me to do so. But I learned about him at Sunday school and through church, and it felt good to pray because I was often afraid. When I prayed the things I feared would diminish, and sometimes even go away.
When my mom and sister got sick, I continued to talk to him. But I started to develop this nagging doubt that he didn’t really care, and perhaps wasn’t even real.
Sometimes I would look at the stars and feel a deeper connection with God. That he was listening through them. I remember lying on my back in the snow, staring into the night sky, praying that my mom would heal from her cancer. Sometimes I would just sit quietly watching the sky and clouds, the setting sun, feeling connected to something greater than myself.
But then my mom died, and later also my sister. And finally my dad. And I doubted for real that God cared about me. That he loved me. I had been praying less and less, and now I stopped completely. Maybe I was angry, but mostly I think I felt cold and numb inside. As though I had closed my heart.
Learning About the Goddess: the Divine Mother
But I was still searching. I think I’ve been searching my whole life for something spiritual. One night while on the bus, I read about the Goddess in a book I had bought. I remember reading that people would pray to her, dance for her, worship her. And that she had many names; Isis, Mary, Freya etc. But to me she seemed very distant. Like she belonged to an ancient past, and I didn’t know how to approach her, even though I had a deep longing to do so.
Praying to the Divine Mother – a Spiritual Practice from Belsebuub
When I came across Belsebuub’s courses, I found out about the Divine Mother and Father, that we each have a personal Divine Mother and Father that we can pray to, and that our Divine Mother has the power to remove painful inner states from us if we ask her.
At the time I had experienced life without guidance, without asking God for help. It felt chaotic, like things just kept falling apart, and there wasn’t anything for me to lean on.
I started praying to my Divine Mother, inspired by the way Belsebuub explained how to. She suddenly seemed very personal and relevant, and close to me. Like she was right there beside me. A friend that I could talk to. I had moved to a small apartment in the city, and would go for long walks in the neighborhood and just share things with her, everything that was happening in my life. It felt like I was speaking with a perfect listener. Sometimes I thought I felt her smile, and hold a hand against my back. When I was praying in my apartment, sometimes crying, it seemed like she was hugging me. It was as though I had welcomed sunlight into my life.
This was a whole new way of asking to me. Of connecting with the divine. Before there had always been a sense of fear behind my prayers, that I would have to be good and please God, so that I would be safe.
I didn’t have anyone to guide me otherwise. But finding out about the Divine Mother and Father from Belsebuub’s work, it seemed to me that we each have beautiful loving spiritual parents that are with us every step of the way. And it felt like my Divine Mother was walking beside me. That she wasn’t hiding in the clouds somewhere.
Learning to Feel Love
I feel she was healing my heart so I would be able to feel love and give love to others. And healing my fear that I wasn’t loved by the divine.
Of course, I regularly forgot to pray to her, somehow feeling that I was doing fine on my own, but I always ended up realizing that life was much easier with guidance. With her, I felt I had the strength and courage to face my life.
There were times when I felt her love pretty strongly. Like one evening when I prayed in front of an altar that was dedicated to the Divine Mother. There was no one else in the room at the time, and I just sat there in silence, begging for help. Suddenly I felt enveloped in love and warmth. I broke down in tears and wanted nothing more than to lie down in front of that altar. To lie down at her feet and rest and let my heart break open.
Another time I was traveling abroad to meet a group of friends. I was feeling anxious, and so I prayed to my Divine Mother to remove that anxiety and tried to be close to her.
I wanted to keep her as my center instead of all these thoughts and feelings that made me miserable. It was like I was focusing on love, and the more I focused on it the more it grew.
By the time I arrived at my friends’ place, I felt different. It was as though I was in a different space inside of myself. I remember lying down on the bed in my friends’ apartment, and just watching the curtain in the room, and finding them very beautiful. It was as though everything around me was touched with beauty, with her presence. A rose colored light, it seemed to me.
And there has been many small moments when I’ve felt her love and care for me. Sometimes it even feels like she’s laughing when I’m taking things way too seriously.
Connecting with my Divine Mother has become the most precious part of my life. The one thing that turned my life around. I’m so grateful to have her with me always.