I’ve often used mantras as a way to lift up my inner state or just to relax and get some clarity. This one particular time, the mantra really served as a kind of saving grace from an onslaught of thoughts and emotions.
It started with my having to take a final exam for a course. Throughout all the lessons, I took everything very seriously and made sure I was as thorough as I could be.
When exam time came, I felt prepared and confident that I had developed my skills up to a standard necessary to pass. After turning it in, I remember thinking there just couldn’t have been anything that I missed. I was so sure, and I double-checked everything.
Going into it with this attitude, you can imagine my shock when I received notice that I in fact failed the final. This sounds like a pretty unfortunate situation to be in, but it actually wasn’t a big deal. I had the chance to retake it, and it wouldn’t have counted against me. However, my reaction to this failure was pretty unexpected.
Since I was so confident in my mighty studying skills, the possibility of failure was distant to me and pretty much outside of the realm of possibilities in this case. In retrospect, this attachment to a certain outcome and my overconfidence played a major role in blinding me to the little ways certain inner states were building up over the time frame of the course.
I’d certainly failed before, so this wasn’t an unfamiliar scenario to deal with that I should be caught off guard so much. I generally even understood why I failed something and could pinpoint where things went south, but not for something that I meticulously prepared for.
I suppose I had this idea in my head that if I dedicated the appropriate amount of time + effort and genuinely covered all my bases to ensure I have a good chance that this would fulfill the magic formula and, therefore, I would succeed. I felt cheated! ☺
At this point, several awful inner states came up so quickly and relentlessly that I found myself chanting a prayer to the divine mother to free me from them and eliminate their effect, which I had learned from Belsebuub’s work. Even with this prayer, the egos were quite powerful and their presence still felt.
I was scared that I didn’t know why I had failed and didn’t like feeling so confused, amongst many other things. (Strangely, a part of me also found it funny how the egos attacked in almost an organized way – pushing all the right buttons. I thought they probably knew way before me that I had failed and were just waiting for me to find out so they could pounce ☺)
I decided to go to a practice area and do the mantra Om. Before beginning, I asked my divine mother to help me overcome these terrible states and clear my mind of worrisome thoughts.
About 10 or 15 minutes into the mantra, I started to feel the familiar sensation of weightlessness and a kind of expansion of self. I’m not sure exactly how to describe it, but it’s that feeling of being a giant where your “head” (but it’s obviously not your physical head) is almost up to the ceiling and you no longer feel that distance between the shoulders and hands being so short – it has expanded beyond that natural measure.
Most importantly, it was wonderful. A feeling closest to bliss or peace that I know of currently. It lasted for some time, and all the while, I felt the comfort of my divine mother and her answer to my prayer. I was so touched and grateful to have felt her love and care when I was experiencing a small abyss all of my own making just a few minutes before. The two experiences contrasted each other greatly.
I recently read a passage from The Essene Gospel of Peace that took me straight back to this moment. It says:
Happy is he who loves his Mother and lies quietly in her bosom. For your Mother loves you, even when you turn away from her. And how much more shall she love you, if you turn to her again? I tell you truly, very great is her love, greater than the greatest of mountains, deeper than the deepest seas. And those who love their Mother, she never deserts them. As the hen protects her chickens, as the lioness her cubs, as the mother her newborn babe, so does the Earthly Mother protect the Son of Man from all danger and from all evils.
I ended up having quite a bit to learn from the decisions I made which led to a failing grade – they all stemmed from the exact same insecurity. However, I wasn’t able to see any of this until I was properly clear-minded and more detached from the feelings that were associated with each decision.
While I was glad to be able to understand the cause and egos at play, I was happier to have had such a connection with the divine and a validation of how quickly help can be received when we need it most.